To build a sense of trust with myself, I had to learn to connect to the deeper parts of my TRUE Self, even the aspects of myself I did not always "like".
I used to call my practice "Radical Acceptance" because to love myself well in a world that had trained me not to seemed just that, a radical act which felt deeply foreign. Loving myself went against how I was socialized, which was to disconnect from, abandon, objectify, criticize and deprecate myself.
As a woman, I was used to gathering with other women and I had many friends, but what seemed to bond us most often was our collective suffering or our complaints. We would find the talking points that put us on equal ground (equally miserable!) or air our collective grievances about what wasn't working in our lives, or worse, put on a facade about what was. Basically a collective stitch and bitch, or a show, putting a smile on our faces when we felt anything but content or happy. I noticed that what we seemed to be doing was telling and retelling our same old patterns of suffering and frankly getting and giving advice when none of us was more qualified than the next to offer an antidote, or a better way. We were all in the the same boat, or as Andrea, my partner, likes to say , we were "WATER SEEKING IT'S OWN LEVEL".
At some point my revelation was that I'd never had a true role model; a woman whom I looked up to, to model what LOVING Myself Well might actually look like. What did Loving one's self look like, sound like in a group of friends, at home with my children, in my marriage, my business, or even alone by myself?
I hadn't the faintest idea.
Besides, if I didn't join in the collective banter, wouldn't that alienate me? Wouldn't that cast me out or make it seem as though I were putting on aires? Truth be told, I needn't have worried because such a woman was nowhere to be found.
YES, practicing self acceptance would feel RADICAL and yet, I KNEW that if I continued the way I had that It would be like being buried alive. I'd felt DEAD inside for so long, I didn't even know how to imagine an alternative. The exhaustion I felt at maintaining the facade of happiness was nearly killing me.
It didn't take long for my answers to come. Over a short time, a series of events caused a perfect storm and life as I knew it began falling apart at the seams. Anything that was no longer serving would come to an end. My business, my marriage, many friendships, a lawsuit, began snowballing. Each time I thought things could not get any worse, I would be proven wrong. My life suffered more devastation than one person, I thought, seemed capable of surviving.
As a result, for eight long months I stayed deeply imbedded (literally - In-bed-ed) in a process I likened to being in a fugue-state. I did not know what was happening at the time, all I knew was that I was simply too exhausted to cope either mentally or physically with any of it.
The person I had been up till this point was a representative of me, but she was not the TRUE ME. She was a woman with a pretty-picture-life, an I-have-this-all-handled-life, an everything-is-looking-good life, a keeping-up-with-the-Jones-and- living-the-dream life.
I had been living on the surface of my life, unable to reveal the TRUTH of what was really going on for me . I was so disconnected and fragmented from a life of self-loathing and abandonment, I not not even know who the REAL me was.
The darkest part of this experience, was in hindsight, a disguised gift. It became the turning-point to revealing another way to live and be.
It was then that I began a solitary, deeply lonesome and arduous odyssey back home to myself. After a lifetime of living a "should-life" or a life obligated by who everyone else thought I should be, it was time to get honest, and any cost.
This is what was the beginning of a process we now call, THE REVELATION PROJECT, and so, I began the process of saving my own life instead of waiting for the prince in every bullshit fairy tale I'd ever been fed.
Teaching women how to re-claim their lives and disrupt the trance of unworthiness has become my mission and together with my partner Andrea, we have found the key to teaching, modeling, and living Self Love for the Women we serve.
Here I am standing below with my partner, Andrea (front) whom I refer to as The Wise Woman, Sage, Divine Feminine Goddess, Celebrated Crone, She answered my prayers and became the model that has made this work possible.
We all need a model.
If we can't see it, we can't BE it.
For more information on our group coaching circle for women opening this January 2020 please link to our private consultation page and schedule a time to find out if our 12 week program is right for you!